the screaming in the stereo

Sometimes I'll take my huffin' rag out behind the dumpsters

2009-01-10T00:03:19Z

I've been lurking around livejournal reading posts of people I never run into outside of the internet world save for a couple occasions, never really feeling the need to post about myself. Which is still the case, but I thought I'd check in today to say hi.

This is most likely because I've been painting and it is not quite happening as I'd envisioned, so I am getting out a new canvas. This always means that I spend a good amount of time checking every website I've ever enjoyed, or not, writing to people I haven't talked to in a long time and any stupid little task I've been putting off. I'm procrastinating like a madwoman. I suspect this is because I paint with my emotions more often than not and I am avoiding doing just that, though I know the process will be enriching in itself.

I'm starting to get excited about going back to school this semester, especially art classes. It will force me to finish what I start, or to start at all.

All in all I'm feeling creative, and when I feel creative I feel alive despite any moods I am experiencing. I hope to have something to show for it this time 'round.

Now if I can just get my eyes away from the damned computer screen...

dim_star @ 2008-09-08T14:22:00

2008-09-08T21:27:05Z

Anyone know any good tattoo artists who might want to share a bit o' wisdom with another aspiring tattoo artist? The only ones I know are super busy, and I am a bit shy when it comes to meeting new people.

I wish my dad could've taught me before he died, it would have been a good start, but I have to start somewhere. I already know some volunteer guinea pigs, yay!

hooray!

2008-07-08T23:24:44Z

I'm going to see Nick Cave August 20th!

Hopefully by then he'll have shaved this thing off...

Yuck. And he wonders why he's got the "no pussy blues".

Alas, I'm a fan either way.

I'm pretty sick of violent mood swings

2008-01-30T01:41:57Z

It makes me feel like emo wall.

update?

2008-01-09T07:16:27Z

Yeah, I'm still here kinda.

Not much to tell because it seems every time I have a good idea of what's going on with me, it up and changes. Just all those ch changes that ol' Bowie wrote about as well as some other people.

I have some music stuff going on, but nothing solid enough to really speak of yet.

I'm also not working, for a while.

Definitely going back to school once again in the fairly near future. I'm going back into art/graphics/whatever as I seem to be pretty good when I give a crap. And I do!

Right now I'm pretty fantastic, no joke.

I never post these things, but I couldn't resist

2007-09-26T20:04:47Z

Daevid: how are you feeling?
Me: a little better today, i was able to actually get some sleep
Me: i still can't seem to shake this loneliness.
Daevid: I wish we [lived] closer
Daevid: we could hang out and I could watch you smoke pot and play video games

dim_star @ 2007-09-24T20:21:00

2007-09-25T03:21:47Z

i need a hug

I hear ya Mr. Cave

2007-09-19T22:08:49Z

I am starting a new band soon. Didn't realize how much I had missed it.

Only this time, I'll be singing!

I have lyrics (and hopefully limericks) to write!

...in other news, I've been feeling very vile and raunchy lately and I gotta say it's pretty awesome.

dim_star @ 2007-09-18T21:22:00

2007-09-19T04:22:43Z

So, sometimes I fucking hate poetic justice.

dim_star @ 2007-09-03T19:35:00

2007-09-04T02:38:27Z

I have no significant creative outlet anymore and it's very draining on my psyche.

Hooray for everything!

2007-08-20T23:48:19Z

Started my new jorb today and I came away very excited (as the bouncing kitty indicates).

This is a fresh shop, everything here is fresh; I will do well here.

Damn I'm smooth

2007-08-16T01:52:11Z

I GOT A JOB AT A CAT HOSPITAL!!!

I start Monday. I am so beside myself with happiness. I saw something going horribly wrong with my life and I fucking fixed it within a couple days! It's so unlike me to give myself praise, but damn it feels good.

At the risk of sounding cheesy, I really want to thank those of you who left such sweet and supportive messages or listened to me cry, rant, scream, etc.

I think I am really going to get along with these people, especially the doctor who is extremely knowledgeable and very compassionate.

I win.

Turn and face the strange

2007-08-15T00:25:50Z

I have screwed up big time and I HATE my new job. The doctor belittles me over everything I do wrong and, while this is not a great way to teach someone new, I thought perhaps it was one of those things that I would get past once I am trained and not thrown into the wolves. This I thought, until yesterday I heard her doing the same thing to a girl who has been working there for a couple years at least. I believe the words included "you know better than this".

I've decided I won't be talked to that way as I'm not learning-deficient, wasn't born yesterday, and frankly, not a fucking idiot. Oh and I've developed this crazy sense of self-worth over the past few years.

If I'm going to be driving home from work in pools of my own tears, it should be over an animal-related issue and not because my boss belittled me so badly that I felt like I was 16 all over again.

I perused craigslist this morning and turned in a resume for a clinic here in town. Not a couple hours later I got a call back and I'm going in for an interview tomorrow. Hopefully all works out and I will not be returning to Dr. Cuntface. Yeah, I said it.

fuzzy britches

2007-08-10T01:49:23Z

Today was my last day with the SPCA, now on to a veterinary clinic a little closer to home. Parting was very bittersweet.

I wish I could take a break in between jobs, but I'm po'.

This is what I'll miss most:
(no cuts, bahahaha!)

This whole time and I didn't even know!

2007-07-16T17:51:53Z

Kelley --
[noun]:

A person who has the ability to be invisible

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I must find out how to utilize this wonderful skill I apparently possess.

What the hell?

2007-06-22T18:16:23Z

I'm in a good mood.

I'm getting out of the house today!

I will miss them too

2007-05-26T20:35:34Z

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

hooray for new drugs

2007-04-16T04:47:14Z

I've been on medical disability leave from work for about a week (is that all?) now and will be until May 7th probably.

I am BORED! I am torn between wanting company and not wanting people to see me all crazy-like. I feel like Jesus ran me over with a steamroller, but on the other hand my mood has been lifted a little. Maybe someone should just come over and play video games with me.

Might as well face it, you're addicted to Robert Palmer

2007-02-26T23:53:02Z

Man, I hate writing stuff in here that reveals anything "personal" (not like I haven't done it before) because for some stupid reason I have this pride saying, "don't do it Kelley, nobody cares and you won't be as mysterious" (my mind is a jackass, by the way). Today I say fuck it. Why am I always worried about how I am perceived by others?

For quite some time now I have taken pride in the fact that, despite coming from a background of many forms of addictions, I have managed to pull through without any of these and have broken the mold once again by not being a statistic. However, I have come to realize recently that some statistics are just true and I am naive to think that I am above all of them.

Congratulations, Kelley, you have found your addiction...anger!!! [and the light blinks: applause...applause...applause]

Though I don't walk around everyday red-faced, fists clenched, it has manifested in so many ways and now I rely on it as part of my identity. I have even managed to find many other junkies to talk to and hang out with on a constant basis (it's ok though, I still love you guys anyway).

I've been looking for every external way possible to treat all the symptoms, but now I have to deal with the root. This will not be fun, but it will certainly be interesting. I sure as hell will not be going to any group meetings, however.

p.s. I never said any of this. :)

I'm working on being the drunken bard at the table

2007-02-20T06:09:16Z

I'm one of those people who lives up to the "Jack of all trades, master of none" colloquialism.

In some respects, it is pretty great. It makes me fairly useful in many situations, and I'm able to pick up new things at a quicker-than-average rate. I've had quite the eclectic, though not always interesting, array of jobs in the past and it works well for me because I love to soak up information and experience. It also keeps me from getting too bored. So why would this be at all a bad thing?

I have some very strong skills in some fields, but in no way am I a "master" of anything. That, combined with a lingering low self-esteem, is keeping me from advancing any further in anything.

Basically, I don't know what to do with myself. It is keeping me up at night at times.

I need to find something that I can be good at, but will for the most part be able to leave it at work when I am done.

Kelley will be out of the office for a long time...

2007-01-21T23:59:22Z

This evening, Cuddles, otherwise known as Cap'n Catbeard, will finally be able to take that forever nap that his old bones so desperately want.

He is 19 years old, 17 of those years having been spent with me since I got him for my 10th birthday. It is with a great amount of grief that I let him go, but I know he is not getting any better. Until then, I will just hold him and let him eat as much tuna as he wants. It sounds silly, but he really has made an impression on many people who have met him. He has been the come-back kid so many times and is still trying to fight this off, but this time his decline is more sudden and much more swift.

He is, as my brother says, a legend.

I will miss him so very much.

but I won't be weeping long

2006-09-18T19:38:41Z

I can never find the drive, little as it may seem, to write in my journal anymore. I guess I just don't feel like boring everyone else with the same stuff: what my band is doing, how depressed I am, etc.

Things are going both horribly and pretty damned good at the same time right now. I am trying to mostly focus on the good. I know, it's crazy right? I've started up a new band project that I am liking a lot so far. I am, however, sick of musicians. I love them (mostly), but they are all vessels for a clusterfuck of craziness, myself included.

I bought an old, but not hip and vintage, synth and the manual is twice as big as that for my car. I am going to need to employ Dævid's know-how on this to figure anything out besides using it as a keyboard, though that is fun enough for now.

dim_star @ 2006-05-26T12:54:00

2006-05-26T19:54:49Z

Snikt!

Q: What do you call a drummer who has lost his girlfriend?

2006-05-17T02:15:38Z

A: Homeless

I don't wanna jinx myself, but we just may have a drummer soon! I shall say no more on that matter until I know for sure.

I've been really really missing playing shows. For a while there I was starting to feel like I had "outgrown" it a bit, but how very wrong I was indeed. Maybe there are styles of music that you can personally move on from, but I cannot imagine my life without making music. I realize now that I don't have to tour constantly to be happy. In fact, I can't do it even if I wanted to because we have all moved out of our parents' houses and I have "the kids" (they're much cuter and tolerable than the human kind) to take care of.

By gods if this drummer doesn't work out I am only working with drum machines from here on out. [insert drummer joke here, I know quite a few]

dim_star @ 2006-04-20T14:13:00

2006-04-20T21:20:32Z

I hate it when you think you have everything all planned out, and then one small thing throws it all out of whack. Frustrating and disappointing as hell.

I'll get over it. I'm not used to "schedules" anyway, so this is fairly new to me. I'm sure it happens all the time.

I'm starting to surrender myself to the fact that life will always be in transitional states and I shouldn't wait for them to be over before I can feel sane again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe it is 4/20 today...

Ahh, I'm just kidding. I have too much to get done to devote my day to being a banana slug.